If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
You Might Also Like
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
what’s really going on
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
584.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.