If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.