If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
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PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.