If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”