If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?