If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*