@ppppolls 30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
@GarryShandling If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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@ppppolls 
@elliepeek I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
@ericsshadow A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
@fro_vo [hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
@sarapascoe When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
@Marlebean I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
@Midgetspar If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
@lisaxy424 You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
@vodkatext i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
@dreamthievin ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.