If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫