If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?