If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.