if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
can’t bark with your mouth full
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
life finds a way
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.