If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here