@DaveWeasel
@JermHimselfish The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
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@JermHimselfish 
@SamGrittner They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
@iwearaonesie wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@VodkaTiem I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
@Tmoney68 Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
@ValeeGrrl Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
@Marcmywords2 “Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
@bossy_bootz How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
@PashSara 5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…