If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
These are my roll models.