If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
You Might Also Like
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Very problematic
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Not today.. 😂
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”