If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
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When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
what does he know…
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
This is why I hate group projects