If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Going to church you guys need anything
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.