If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly