If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Follow me for more life hacks.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail