If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
A completely valid reaction tbh
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…