If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.