@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

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@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

@thomaslennon

Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?

@Cain_Unable

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

@envydatropic

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

@nyquills

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

@BraandoCommando

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

@daemonic3

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.