@osoplain Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
@AnnietheNanny1 If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
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@osoplain 
@Rollinintheseat Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
@thomaslennon Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
@rachelle_mandik *ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
@Cain_Unable 1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
@envydatropic I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
@nyquills [Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
@BraandoCommando Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
@daemonic3 ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
@MauriceBlitz I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.