“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
You Might Also Like
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me: my friends:
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
“HELP WITH CAT”
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.