If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again