If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.