If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Ok but actually
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.