If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Monday Lisa
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less