If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!