If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Leaving the Barbers like
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.