If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One