If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
back to work
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.