If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
uncle dave has been through hell
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Breaking news:
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.