If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Great acting.. 😂
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.