If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
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They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!