If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.