If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
See..?
.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday