“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
car not found
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.