If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
that de-escalated quickly
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.