If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
🐕🍷
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.