If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️