If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
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[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.