If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.