If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️