If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.