If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The smoothest fall of all time
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.