If you’re testing me, we failed.
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Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Huge, if true.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*