If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
You Might Also Like
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet