If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
You Might Also Like
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
#DesignFail
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits