If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
i wish we could shoplift online
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
the three genders
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.