If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.