If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Love this one 😂🧟
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.