If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
You Might Also Like
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest