If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

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Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*


I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”


I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins


When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.


Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom


KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes


Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.


When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.


You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.