@heatherlou_
@aka_fatman Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
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@aka_fatman 
@DanLaMorte I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
@huntigula I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
@Jake_Vig Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
@PaulyPeligroso When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
@iLikeCatShirts Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
@sofarrsogud KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
@ilovepie84 Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
@TheAlexNevil When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
@jordan_stratton You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.