If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If snakes were wide
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad