If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”