If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
yeah no that’s fair
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here